The following E-mail was forwarded to me right before the bar exam. It is hilarious if you’ve been holed away in a library for the last 8 weeks. If you’re not taking the bar exam, you won’t laugh at all.
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1. People who don’t record their deeds:
Hey. Fuck face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a signof real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a fucking favor, and go record the fucking deed.Right. Fucking. Now. Don’t put it in a goddamn drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your goddamn house down.
2: Wily property sellers:
Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug assclowns, the Police. How about you go down to Doucheacre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I’m sick of this guy getting away every time he pullsthis shit, and I’m left to sort out the fucking pieces.
3: “Known” arsonists:
Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring “known”arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you dipshit? He’s known because he has been fucking caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you! Because they have their shit together. But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your fuckwit moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned thewrong house, and left me with a BAR question.
4: People who back out of conspiracies:
Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you pussy.
5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft:
While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s fucking humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the ass inthe end. Just let the copper go.
6. Fertile Octogenarians:
I think I speak for all of us when I say……Burn the witch! Burn her! And don’t use a “known” arsonist!
7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will:
Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your fucking interest in Scroteacre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning “Dancing withthe Stars.” Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy. Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old twat, and stop trying to control your property fromthe grave in a vain attempt to make up for your feebleness in life.
8. House Painters:
Just paint the fucking house yourself, Paulson.Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.
9. Bank Mortgages:
Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart abit of sage wisdom.
When someone :
1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,
….do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don’tunderstand, because the answer is always the same.
D) You are Fucked. Take it like a man.
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10. Wanna-be Burglars:
I am sick to death of these slackjawed melon-heads deciding at 2 a.m.that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he”won’t mind” if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night,crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and “borrow it.”And then always the inevitable fucking:
Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!
Let him go, boys. Let the man go. So I can throw the wrench right at his goddamn teeth. Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles (c), that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a shit on his pool table, and sleeping with his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.
11. The Cheap Old Uncle Scenario (courtesy of Patrick from Nuts & Boalts):
If you are entitled to money under some contract, and you want to give your neice a nice birthday present, just cut to the chase and give her a damn present — don’t try to be clever or cheap or whatever by assigning her the benefits of your agreement with someone unrelated third person. It is a pain for the other person in your contract, who doesn’t give a damn about your neice. It is a pain for you, who will still be on the hook for your end of the deal. And it is a pain for your neice when, six months from now, she learns of the contract and builds a house for her boyfriend in reliance . . . only to find out that you are old fashioned and don’t WANT her living with her boyfriend, because he has an earring or tattoo or lesbian parents or whatever. Next thing you know, you are trying to revoke the gift, you are in breach of the contract for some unrelated reason, everyone is suing you, and you are hiring a known arsonist to burn down her new house.
Trust me. Just give her a present and leave it at that.
12. Indecisive Mailer: courtesy of Bob
Please don’t mail your acceptance, then mail a revocation, then call to counter-offer – I mean, can’t you just email?
14. FOB, the SOB: courtesy of Bob
F.O.B., Ex-ship, etc. Please just say who is liable when, what, where, etc. And read your contract before you sign it to make sure it includes everything and anything.
15. Sacrificial lamb chicken: Courtesy of Bob
Why can’t anyone in my city be sacrificing raw chickens for the purpose of religion??